AUSTIN, TX — In an effort to “restore the natural beauty of the night sky,” Elon Musk has announced a new subscription service Tuesday that will allow astronomers, and anyone else who enjoys stargazing, to see the stars without interference from his thousands of orbiting Starlink satellites. The plan, dubbed “StarLink Premium: Cosmic Edition,” will cost $9.99 per month and promises a “less Musk-filled viewing experience.”
According to Musk, the service works through “advanced proprietary light redirection technology,” which many experts believe is just him dimming certain satellites at random intervals. “You’ll still see some,” Musk admitted in a press release. “But now they’ll spell inspirational words like innovation, Mars, and Buy Doge. You’re welcome.”
Astronomers, who have long complained that SpaceX’s growing satellite network is ruining their view of the cosmos, were divided on the news. “It’s extortion, plain and simple,” said Dr. Lena Alvarez of the International Sky Watchers Association. “He blocked the stars, and now he’s charging us to look at them again.” Others, however, admitted the new premium tier is “cheaper than therapy.”
Subscribers to the plan will also receive exclusive access to “Night Mode,” which promises a 20-minute window every week when the satellites will “pretend not to exist.” For an additional $5, users can unlock a “Constellation DLC,” restoring specific star patterns like Orion’s Belt and the Big Dipper — currently obscured by Musk’s growing orbital monopoly.
When asked if he saw any ethical issue with charging humanity for visibility of the night sky, Musk shrugged. “Look, I’m just renting space,” he said. “If you want to look up, you should pay your share.”
The free version of the service, “StarLink Basic,” will remain available to all stargazers, though users will have to watch a brief X commercial every time they reposition their telescopes.
