WASHINGTON DC — After weeks of tense negotiations, Congress has reached what leaders from both parties are calling a “historic compromise,” passing a federal budget in which absolutely everyone—taxpayers, agencies, and lawmakers alike—gets less than before, yet somehow walks away declaring victory.
“This is what bipartisanship looks like,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson, standing before a podium flanked by exhausted aides and half-eaten takeout boxes. “Neither side got what they wanted. That’s what we consider progress.”
Under the new budget, military spending was trimmed by “a number too small to disclose,” social programs were “streamlined into inspirational quotes,” and education funding was converted into a limited-edition NFT of the word Hope.
Economists warn the plan may not be sustainable, given that it simultaneously reduces revenue, services, and GDP. “It’s a marvel of modern governance,” said Dr. Lena Ortega of the Brookings Institute. “They’ve managed to cut the deficit without cutting the deficit.”
The deal came together after lawmakers realized that failure to compromise would result in another government shutdown—an outcome polling showed was “slightly less popular than the government remaining functional.”
In a rare moment of unity, both parties held a joint press conference to celebrate the passage. “Democrats are proud to have preserved essential programs,” said Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries of New York. “Republicans are proud to have dismantled them,” added his counterpart. “And we both agree this is a win for America.”
The President later praised the bill as “a blueprint for responsible austerity,” before announcing the White House coffee budget would be suspended “for morale reasons.”
At press time, markets reacted positively to the news, with the Dow Jones rising to another all time high—before crashing to new lows… and moments later soaring even higher.
“This is what effective capitalism looks like in a fully functioning democracy,” said no one.
