WASHINGTON, DC — As nationwide protests over the death of Renee Good at the hands of ICE agents continue to spread, White House insiders confirmed Wednesday that the administration is second guessing its decision to empower misogynistic internet trolls with assault rifles, sweeping authority, and the unshakable belief that they are the most persecuted group in human history.
“We’re not saying it was definitely a mistake,” said one aide, nervously flipping through a binder labeled Guys Who Definitely Won’t Abuse This. “We’re just saying that, in hindsight, handing military-grade weapons and unchecked power to men radicalized by message boards, grievance podcasts, and a deep terror of women existing freely may not have been… strategically sound.”
The review reportedly began after officials noticed a troubling pattern in which nearly every policy meeting devolved into incoherent rants about “alpha energy,” accusations that basic accountability was “censorship,” and demands that critics be arrested for the crime of “disrespect.”
Sources say the administration is particularly focused about the group’s complete inability to distinguish actual law enforcement from their latest game of Call of Duty: Warzone.
White House staffers also expressed regret over underestimating how aggressively the group would weaponize its own insecurity. “We didn’t anticipate that every attempt at accountability would be interpreted as a personal attack on their masculinity,” said a senior advisor. “Apparently, exercising any personal freedom is a direct assault on their genitals.”
Despite mounting evidence that the experiment has produced little beyond chaos, threats, and an endless stream of unearned confidence, officials say reversing course will be difficult.
“They’re very sensitive,” one aide admitted. “If we take away their rifles or authority, they’ll say we’re oppressing them. If we don’t, they’ll keep doing exactly what they’re doing now.”
At press time, the White House reiterated its commitment to learning from past decisions, while quietly drafting a new policy titled Maybe Don’t Give Absolute Power to the Worst Guys You’ve Ever Met Online.
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