WASHINGTON, DC — In an effort to address prices increases caused by his tariffs, President Trump announced a new stimulus program that completely eliminates government involvement, by simply requiring every American to write themselves a $2,000 check.
“You get all that extra money you spent on tariffs deposited right back into your bank account!” Trump declared from the Oval Office, holding up a sample check made out to “Donald J. Trump.” “No bureaucrats, no Treasury delays—just pure, beautiful self-stimulating, courtesy of me.”
According to administration officials, the plan eliminates unnecessary layers of federal involvement, focusing instead on what economists are calling “a closed-loop cycle of personal optimism.” Under the new system, citizens are instructed to write their names on the check, sign it, deposit it, and then “feel good about it.”
White House economic advisor Kevin Hassett praised the plan’s simplicity: “We’re finally cutting out the middleman between the taxpayer and the taxpayer. Why wait for the government to waste your money when you can waste it directly?”
Critics have pointed out that the initiative might not technically create any new wealth and amount to little more than “economic masturbation”, but the administration argues it’s about “confidence and handwriting practice.” A Treasury spokesperson added that Americans are also free to Venmo themselves if paper checks feel too “old economy.”
Banks nationwide have already prepared for the rollout, with Chase confirming it will honor self-written checks “as long as depositors maintain eye contact for the entirety of the self-stimulating.”
In a follow-up statement, Trump touted the plan as “a tremendous win for fiscal responsibility,” promising that future relief packages could be handled through “mirror-based payment verification.”
“Other countries wish they had this kind of efficiency,” the president added. “In America, we trust Americans to give themselves the money they deserve—from themselves.”
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