MINNEAPOLIS, MN — In an attempt to deflect accountability, White House officials announced Monday that Border Chief Greg Bovino will be relocated from Minnesota to a newly created “strategic security zone” located entirely around the underside of a bus.
Sources say the decision followed days of internal meetings in which senior officials repeatedly asked, “Who can we throw under the bus?” before realizing they already had someone warming up beneath the chassis. The move allows the administration to demonstrate decisive action without really changing policy, tone, or outcomes.
“This is what accountability looks like,” said one aide, pointing to a PowerPoint slide labeled UNDER THE BUS: Phase II. “We take one guy, strap him beneath a moving vehicle, and suddenly the whole thing looks like a course correction.”
Under the plan, Bovino will be tasked with guarding the bus’s undercarriage, described in briefing materials as a “high-risk border zone” vulnerable to stray gravel and speed bumps. Officials praised the symbolism of the posting, noting that the underside is where blame can be safely stored, dragged along, and periodically scraped against asphalt until smooth.
The bus itself will remain in constant motion, ensuring the administration can claim momentum while avoiding any destination. “Stopping would imply reflection,” said one strategist. “We’re not doing that.”
When asked whether the reassignment addressed broader concerns about ICE’s enforcement tactics, a spokesperson clarified that Bovino’s relocation was “not an admission of fault,” but rather “a demonstration of optics-driven velocity.” The spokesperson added that if public outrage continues, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem may also be strapped to the undercarriage.
Critics noted that the administration’s habit of throwing individuals under buses has reached industrial scale. “They don’t fix the problem,” said one observer. “They just keep greasing the axles and feeding new people to the suspension.”
Bovino, speaking through the roar of tires and a layer of road salt while leaving Minneapolis, expressed pride in the new assignment. “It’s good to know my work in Minnesota has been appreciated,” he said. “We murdered some great people here.”
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