APOPKA, FL — White House Spiritual Advisor Paula White assured reporters Thursday that the shadowy, horned figure she summoned during a late-night prayer session was “strictly here to handle the Pope situation,” adding that any resemblance to a centuries-old demonic entity was “purely cosmetic.”
Standing inside a glowing pentagram hastily rebranded as a “faith circle,” White explained that the ritual, complete with chanting in what several linguists later confirmed was “definitely not a human language”, was part of a broader initiative to “combat spiritual darkness emanating from Rome.” When asked whether summoning a fire-breathing beast from the abyss qualified as introducing additional darkness, White shook her head.
“No, no, no,” she said, as the creature behind her unfurled a second set of wings and briefly blotted out the sun. “This is righteous darkness. Totally different category.”
Administration officials confirmed the entity, described in ancient texts as a “devourer of souls and breaker of realms,” has already been given a temporary security badge and access to West Wing briefings. Sources say it has mostly remained quiet, occasionally whispering unintelligible phrases and nodding approvingly during policy discussions.
Despite concerns from theologians, historians, and anyone with functioning pattern recognition, White remains confident in her alignment.
“People always get nervous when you summon something with horns, glowing eyes, and a documented history of eternal torment,” she said. “But that’s just fear mongering. We’re using it for good. We’re using it to destroy the pope.”
At press time, the entity reportedly attempted to “cleanse evil” by slowly turning toward White mid-sentence, prompting aides to briefly consider the possibility that the ritual had, in fact, already identified its primary target. White dismissed the moment as “spiritual feedback.”
“Sometimes when you fight evil,” she added, as the floor beneath her began to crack and smolder, “it just feels a little… close to home.”
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