WASHINGTON, DC — The White House assured reporters Tuesday that the long-promised release of the Epstein files remains a “top priority,” explaining that it has merely been delayed by a minor scheduling conflict involving World War III, several regional conflicts accidentally turning global, and what officials described as “a very busy news cycle.”
“We absolutely plan to release everything,” said a senior administration official while standing in front of a large digital map actively flashing missile trajectories. “We just need to finish up WW3 first, stabilize the post-war global order, and then we’ll circle right back to transparency.”
According to aides, the Epstein documents are currently “ready to go,” sitting in a secure folder labeled POST-WAR ADMIN, wedged between contingency plans for martial law and a Spotify playlist titled Focus Music for Escalation. Officials stressed that the delay should not be interpreted as avoidance, but rather as “responsible prioritization.”
“Look, you don’t drop Epstein files in the middle of a world war,” said one communications staffer. “That’s just bad optics. You want a clean release window. Preferably a slow news week. Maybe sometime after reconstruction.”
The administration emphasized that the war itself should not be viewed as a distraction, but as an unfortunate coincidence that simply requires the public to temporarily focus on mushroom clouds, emergency alerts, and cable news graphics labeled THE WORLD ON FIRE.
President Trump reiterated the administration’s commitment during a brief address, assuring Americans that “nobody wants these files out more than me,” before adding that “World War Three is actually very quick, people are saying that,” and suggesting the files might drop “right after the victory parade, or maybe after the sequel war, we’ll see.”
Media critics noted that the White House has now delayed the Epstein release behind a pandemic, multiple investigations, several elections, and at least one full-scale global conflict, but officials pushed back on the idea that this represents a pattern.
“We reject the notion that we’re using global catastrophe to run out the clock,” said a spokesperson. “If we wanted to bury the Epstein files, we wouldn’t keep reminding everyone they exist.”
At press time, the administration announced a tentative Epstein release timeline of “post-WW3, pre-WW4,” clarifying that dates may shift depending on how many countries get involved, how long the rebuilding takes, and whether the public remembers what they were asking about in the first place.
Please share our content below…
