WASHINGTON—The Pentagon clarified its recent maritime enforcement strategy Tuesday, stating that fishing boats vaporized by U.S. forces could have avoided destruction by “making better choices” and “not being so aggressively fishy in the first place.”
At a press briefing, officials explained that while no drugs have been recovered from the remains of the boats (largely because the remains are now plasma) the strikes were justified based on “behavioral indicators,” “olfactory red flags,” and what one admiral described as “a general seafood-forward attitude.”
“These vessels were exhibiting classic signs of suspicious fishiness,” said Pentagon spokesperson Lt. Cmdr. Alan Reece, gesturing to a slideshow featuring bullet points like Too Much Fish, Suspicious Nets, and That Look Fishermen Get. “If you don’t want to be vaporized, maybe don’t smell like tuna, loiter in the ocean, and get defensive when a destroyer opens fire.”
According to the Department of Defense, the boats triggered concern by engaging in activities commonly associated with fishing, including casting nets, hauling catches, and having large quantities of fish on board. One vessel was reportedly destroyed after failing to convincingly explain why it contained “several barrels of what appeared to be fish.”
“We’re not saying they were smuggling drugs,” Reece added. “We’re just saying they were doing everything a drug-smuggling fishing boat would do, if drugs were fish and fishing boats were boats.”
Pentagon officials emphasized that the strikes send a strong deterrent message to other fishing boats currently “thinking about acting fishy.” Future guidance recommends fishermen reduce suspicion by carrying fewer fish, fishing less conspicuously, or switching to land-based hobbies like accounting.
When asked whether the policy risks alienating coastal communities, Reece dismissed the concern. “Law-abiding boats have nothing to fear,” he said. “Unless they smell fishy. Or look fishy. Or are fishy.”
The briefing concluded with reassurance that the Pentagon remains committed to precision. “These were highly targeted strikes,” Reece said. “We hit exactly what we intended to hit: boats, fish, and the concept of plausible deniability.”
At press time, the Navy released a new advisory reminding maritime workers that “the safest boat is one that does not exist.”
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