MAR-A-LAGO, FL — High-level aides within the Trump administration are finally shedding light on the President’s sudden, intense preoccupation with the Venezuelan executive branch. While geopolitical analysts initially suspected a renewed interest in South American oil reserves or strategic regime change, the truth is reportedly far more “on-brand.”
According to three senior officials speaking on the condition of anonymity, the President’s eyes “glazed over with a familiar, predatory focus” the moment he was informed that Nicolás Maduro’s tenure as President is currently entering its 13th year.
“He stopped the briefing right there,” one staffer noted. “He didn’t want to hear about the hyperinflation or the Caracas protests. He just kept whispering, ‘Thirteen. Can you believe it? A beautiful, young presidency. Just getting started. Very high energy. In a few years, it’ll be a very different presidency, but right now? Perfection.'”
The President has reportedly ordered the CIA to stop sending grainy satellite photos of military installations and instead provide “glamour shots” of the 2013 inauguration. Sources say he has spent hours in the Oval Office staring at a commemorative plate of Maduro’s first term, muttering about how “refreshing” it is to see a term of office that hasn’t been “ruined by the passage of time or the weight of secondary elections.”
“He’s always had a type,” said a former campaign advisor. “He likes his presidencies youthful, impressionable, and completely dependent on a strongman’s whims. When he heard Maduro’s grip on power was exactly thirteen, he started asking if we could fly it to Mar-a-Lago for a pageant. We had to explain that you can’t put a decade of governance in a sash and heels.”
The fixation has reportedly led to awkward diplomatic cables. In a leaked draft of a letter to Caracas, the President allegedly skipped over human rights concerns entirely, instead writing: “I’ve seen a lot of presidencies. Some are old, some are tired. But yours? Thirteen years. Very special. Keep it exactly like that. Don’t let it grow up.”
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