WASHINGTON, DC — In what officials are calling a “methodical, exhaustive, and profoundly avoidant investigation,” the Department of Justice confirmed this week that it has interviewed nearly everyone connected to the Jeffrey Epstein case except the only person who was verifiably there for all of it.
According to sources, investigators have now spoken with former neighbors, distant acquaintances, flight-adjacent airport employees, several people who once stood near Epstein in line at a Starbucks, and one guy who “got a weird vibe” from him in 2003. The one individual still not questioned, however, is Maxwell, who prosecutors acknowledged “might know some things,” but whose testimony was deemed “logistically complicated” and “emotionally disruptive to the narrative.”
“We just don’t think it’s necessary,” said a senior DOJ official, speaking on condition of anonymity and extreme discomfort. “We’ve built a very detailed picture of events by asking people who heard rumors from people who once read an article about someone who maybe met Epstein at a fundraiser. At this point, asking the person who helped organize everything would almost be… excessive.”
Officials stressed that the investigation remains “very active,” citing recent interviews with Epstein’s former landscaper’s cousin, a pilot who once refueled a jet that may or may not have been related, and a psychic who claimed to have sensed “bad energy” near Palm Beach in the late 1990s.
Meanwhile, Maxwell—currently incarcerated and widely understood to possess firsthand knowledge of Epstein’s operations—continues to sit quietly, unasked, as the justice system circles her like a Roomba programmed to avoid one specific piece of furniture.
“Look, questioning her raises risks,” said another official. “She might name names. Those names might belong to people with titles. Or donors. Or buildings. And then suddenly we’re not investigating a scandal anymore—we’re managing a situation.”
When pressed on why Maxwell has not been called to publicly testify, the DOJ cited concerns about “re-traumatization,” “ongoing legal complexities,” and “the very real possibility that answers could create more questions.”
At press time, the department announced plans to next question a barista who once misspelled Epstein’s name on a cup, calling it “a promising new lead.”
