WASHINGTON, DC — After failing for the second time in two weeks, the Department of Justice released a statement Friday acknowledging that its inability to indict New York Attorney General Letitia James stems from a recent wave of “cost-saving personnel adjustments”. Specifically, the termination of every staff member who possessed even a passing familiarity with what legally constitutes a crime.
According to insiders, the department first noticed something was wrong when a senior official asked whether “being annoying” counted as a felony and no one in the room could provide a confident answer. Staff reportedly then spent several hours Googling “crime definition,” only to get distracted by an unrelated article about celebrity divorces. One prosecutor allegedly suggested indicting James for “general criminality,” which was enthusiastically supported until someone realized no one remaining had the legal vocabulary to turn that sentiment into an actual charge.
The department’s struggles weren’t limited to Letitia James; officials quietly admitted their earlier attempt to charge former FBI Director James Comey collapsed even faster. According to internal memos, prosecutors spent weeks assembling what they believed was a damning case, only to discover they had accidentally compiled a folder of restaurant menus, outdated printer instructions, and a birthday card signed “To Jim, Best Boss Ever!”
Former employees who understood statutes, precedent, and how to use Westlaw without accidentally ordering office supplies, were fired earlier this year for “creating an uncomfortable atmosphere of competence.” Their replacements, hired primarily for blind loyalty and willingness to sit quietly in meetings, have struggled to pick up the slack.
As a result, the DoJ has conceded it cannot build a case, draft an indictment, or even fully articulate what wrongdoing they were hoping to allege. Officials say they will now “pause the investigation” until someone on staff learns the difference between a misdemeanor, a felony, and a lunch break. Projected timeline: mid-2031.
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