LOS ANGELES — The baseball world was left speechless this week after leaked Major League Baseball lab reports allegedly confirmed what fans have suspected for years: Shohei Ohtani is not entirely human.
The findings, which emerged after Ohtani’s latest 500-foot home run while simultaneously pitching 10 K’s, reveal trace elements of “interdimensional isotopes” in his bloodwork and a heartbeat rhythm that follows the Fibonacci sequence.
“We ran the tests three times,” said one anonymous MLB scientist, shaking his head. “Each result came back with the same conclusion: Shohei Ohtani may have been sent here to test the limits of baseball, physics, and humility.”
Teammates describe Ohtani as “calm” and “unreal,” noting he often meditates before games while humming the national anthem backwards in perfect pitch.
Opposing pitchers have started referring to him simply as “The Event.”
“When he steps into the box, the lights dim, birds stop chirping, and the ball starts to sweat,” said one American League starter. “You don’t pitch to Ohtani. You bear witness.”
Meanwhile, Nike has already announced a new slogan inspired by Ohtani’s playstyle: “Just Exist.”
Baseball historians agree that Ohtani has redefined the sport — and possibly the human species.
“If Babe Ruth was the first baseball god,” said one analyst, “Ohtani is the sequel with a bigger budget and better special effects.”
Despite the revelation, MLB officials clarified that Ohtani remains eligible to play under the current rules. “There’s nothing in the rulebook that says a being of interstellar origin can’t pitch a perfect game and then hit three homers in the same night,” Commissioner Rob Manfred said. “Though we are reviewing the clause about ‘using one’s own gravitational field to affect pitch movement.’”
Fans have responded to the news with a mix of awe and resignation. “Honestly, it explains a lot,” said lifelong Dodgers fan Tony Delgado. “I mean, he throws 102 mph and just seems like a genuinely nice human being. No way that’s human.”
When asked what the discovery means for the future of baseball, one scientist summed it up best:
“Humanity may have invented the sport,” she said, “but Shohei Ohtani perfected it. And he seems to be evolving.”
