WASHINGTON, DC — Tourists visiting the National Mall were stunned Tuesday after reports emerged that Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was seen shedding a translucent outer layer of skin while standing knee-deep in what witnesses called as a “surprisingly swamp-like” section of the Reflecting Pool.
According to onlookers, Kennedy arrived shortly before dawn carrying several buckets of pond water and a large river rock, which he reportedly arranged into what experts later identified as a temporary molting site.
“I thought it was some kind of historical reenactment,” said visitor Susan Granger of Ohio. “Then he started rubbing against a tree trunk and peeling off what appeared to be an entire outer shell. That’s when I realized this was probably a government official.”
Witnesses say Kennedy spent nearly two hours silently staring at the Lincoln Memorial before emerging from the water looking noticeably shinier and several years younger.
Officials from the Department of Health and Human Services denied that the secretary was molting, insisting he was merely participating in an “alternative wellness renewal process.” The statement also stressed that no taxpayer funds were used to purchase the mud or aquatic insects consumed during the event.
The incident has sparked renewed debate in Washington over Kennedy’s unconventional lifestyle. This comes after he was photographed bathing in sewage in Rock Creek Park last year. While critics argue that Cabinet secretaries should not be periodically shedding exoskeletons in federally maintained landmarks, supporters praised his commitment to natural health practices.
“He believes the human body has abilities modern science refuses to acknowledge,” said one aide. “If that includes seasonal molting, who are we to judge?”
At press time, National Park Service employees were still attempting to determine whether the six-foot skin husk recovered from the Reflecting Pool constituted biological waste, a protected historic artifact, or an official government document.
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