PIERRE, SD — Disgraced DHS Secretary Kristi Noem confirmed Wednesday that she is “weighing all available options” after what aides described as a series of “unexpected behavioral issues” involving her husband, leaving her uncertain whether spaying or neutering would be the most appropriate corrective measure.
Speaking to reporters outside her residence, Noem explained that the situation escalated over the weekend after she discovered her husband experimenting with what she described as “nontraditional attire” and “a level of enthusiasm typically reserved for animals who have not yet learned boundaries.”
“I’m not saying anything drastic,” Noem clarified. “I just think responsible ownership means considering preventative steps before behaviors become entrenched. Regardless of what parts we discover, something needs to be clipped.”
Sources close to the former cabinet member said she has been quietly consulting veterinarians, behavioral specialists, and at least one ranch hand to determine whether the issue stems from hormones, boredom, or “simply not enough firm leadership.”
Noem emphasized that she is first exploring less invasive approaches, including obedience training, structured routines, and limiting access to female clothing and oversized bras. “We’re trying to reward good behavior,” she said. “If he sits, stays, and avoids rummaging through my wardrobe, there may be treats.”
Staffers confirmed that a crate has not yet been introduced but has “not been ruled out.” Meanwhile, Noem reassured the public that her husband remains “a valued member of the household” and that any decision would be made “humanely and with compassion.”
Noem famously killed her dog, Cricket, for bad behavior before a controversial stint as head of Homeland Security marred by corruption, affairs, and cruelty. Through it all, she has denied all wrongdoing and insists she is stalwart of Christian values.
“At the end of the day,” Noem concluded, “it’s about maintaining order. You can’t let unexpected behavior spiral. Sometimes you have to ask yourself: is this something that can be trained out, or do you take preventative action?”
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