WASHINGTON, DC — Barely hours after the firing of his jilted former lover Kristi Noem, sources inside Washington say Corey Lewandowski has already moved on, setting his sights on a new target: replacement DHS Secretary Markwayne Mullin.
According to multiple aides who requested anonymity because they were still recovering from the speed of the pivot, Lewandowski was seen roaming Capitol Hill late Thursday afternoon “with the unmistakable body language of a man who has already moved on.”
“Look, Corey processes things differently,” explained one Republican strategist. “Most people take a little time after a breakup, maybe reflect, maybe work on themselves. Corey prefers to immediately locate the nearest large, loud Republican man and begin orbiting.”
Witnesses report Lewandowski was spotted lingering near Senate hallways typically frequented by Mullin, a former MMA fighter turned senator who has built a reputation for threatening physical altercations during committee hearings.
“Frankly it makes sense,” said a GOP staffer. “Corey has always gravitated toward figures who combine aggression, chaos, and a willingness to shout in public places. In that sense, Mullin is basically his natural habitat.”
Sources say Lewandowski has already begun subtle outreach efforts, including casually appearing near Mullin’s office, laughing loudly at jokes Mullin has not yet made, and introducing himself to interns as “part of the extended team.”
Capitol insiders say the transition has been seamless.
“It’s almost impressive,” one Senate aide admitted. “Usually there’s at least a 48-hour cooling-off period before someone starts aggressively attaching themselves to a new political personality. Corey managed to do it before the previous story even finished trending.”
For his part, Mullin has not publicly commented on the reports, though several staffers say he appeared briefly confused when Lewandowski began standing nearby during unrelated meetings while nodding approvingly.
“Senator Mullin asked who the guy was,” said one aide. “We told him it was Corey Lewandowski. He paused for a second and said, ‘Oh… okay,’ which around here counts as a green light.”
At press time, sources confirmed Lewandowski had begun referring to Mullin in private conversations as “a great guy” and “someone I’ve always respected,” the traditional first stage of what Washington experts describe as the Lewandowski Attachment Cycle.
