WASHINGTON, DC — The GOP today unveiled its long-awaited healthcare proposal, a sweeping new plan officials say “finally modernizes American medicine” by covering everything from crowdfunding medical care to selling a kidney on Etsy. The plan, released as a glossy PDF that immediately crashed upon download, promises to replace outdated concepts like insurance, coverage, and doctors with what lawmakers described as “entrepreneurial grit.”
Under the proposal, Americans experiencing a medical emergency will be guided through a streamlined three-step process: realize something is wrong, open a crowdfunding page, and begin liquidating non-essential organs. “This is about choice,” said one Republican aide, gesturing vaguely toward a whiteboard that read MARKET SOLUTIONS???. “You’re no longer trapped in a one-size-fits-all system. Now you can choose whether to sell plasma, a kidney, or your late grandmother’s heirlooms.”
The plan emphasizes flexibility, encouraging patients to explore “alternative revenue streams” before seeking treatment. Broken leg? Try Venmo. Cancer diagnosis? Consider a heartfelt TikTok explaining your dreams. Chronic illness? That’s what subscription-based suffering is for. The GOP insists this approach empowers patients by allowing friends, family, and strangers with anime avatars to vote on whether their lives are worth saving.
Republicans also touted the plan’s emphasis on innovation, noting that Etsy’s handcrafted marketplace is “criminally underutilized” for internal organs. “Why should kidneys just sit inside people when they could be earning passive income?” asked one lawmaker, adding that each listing would include a brief bio, customer reviews, and optional gift wrapping.
Critics argue the plan leaves millions uninsured, but GOP leaders rejected the term “uninsured” as “negative branding.” Instead, Americans will be classified as “financially motivated to survive.” To help with transparency, hospitals will now provide itemized bills written in plain English, including helpful notes like ‘Have you considered not being sick?’
The proposal also eliminates confusing negotiations with insurance companies. “You’ll never again waste hours arguing over coverage,” one senator explained. “You’ll be too busy negotiating with your landlord, your creditors, and the comments section.”
At press time, Republicans confirmed the plan would roll out immediately, with a pilot program launching in emergency rooms nationwide. Early drafts of the FAQ reportedly end with a simple reassurance to patients: If healthcare were supposed to be affordable, God wouldn’t have invented kidneys in pairs.
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