Tragedy struck last night shortly before the unveiling on Melania Trump’s White House Christmas decoration extravaganza, when an East Wing intern drowned in a holiday themed river of blood. Only minutes before initiating the Slovakian midnight winter sacrament, the intern was swept away by a festive red wave of animal parts.
Often renowned for her amateur interior decorating attempts, Melania’s Christmas designs have long been a source of pride for the First Lady and a respite from the chaos of daily life in the White House. This year, the president’s third wife avoided common holiday themes like green trees, snow, living animals, and holiday cheer in favor of red trees, blood-soaked floors, reanimated burrowing Earth creatures, and red leather riding gloves for slapping incompetent staffers across the face.
According to sources, Melania had the elevators filled with the blood of over a dozen non-kosher pigs, which was intended to ooze through the ornate decked halls of the mansion into the West Wing.
“The river of blood was really what tied everything together,” said one White House designer, “Without that, it all just looks like a really tacky, house-of-horrors, thrown together by a classless, nouveau riche, former model.”
Due to a scheduling mix up, a White House intern attempted to call the elevator before the annual reveal could take place. Witnesses say the intern asked a nearby staffer why the elevators were bleeding before disappearing beneath six metric tons of lukewarm blood.
Investigators claim the sheer force of the burst may have swept the intern as far as the Potomac River.
Melania was not available for comment, but a representative for the first lady said, “Mrs. Trump is very disappointed and will more than likely demand that the intern is fired for spoiling a project she has been working on for several weeks.”