After days of anticipation, Apple finally revealed its latest mobile device, the iLurk. This new “data acquisition device” comes on the heels of sagging sales for the iPhone 8 and appears almost exactly the same to the untrained observer. But on the inside is a complex sensor array that is able to observe the user 24 hours a day.

“This device allows you to harness the computing power of a space probe in the palm of your hand, capable of recording every keystroke, word, or action,” said Apple Director of Sales and Marketing Marco Tuft, “It’s always listening and watching everything that you do.”

“We have always been focused on the customer experience and we feel that constant behavioral monitoring is what todays smartphone user really wants,” Tuft continued, “The iLurk will quietly record and transmit everything you do in order to make sure that you are only targeted with highly relevant marketing and advertising throughout your day.”

Apple claims iLurk will act as a “digital stalker” that sorts through your email trash and sifts through your browser history in order to find tidbits of information that might lead to higher sales conversions for advertisers. With Google already claiming to know “more about you than your mother”, Apple eventually hopes to know you better than you know yourself.

“Eventually, the iLurk will be able to predict the clothes you’re gonna wear tomorrow or when and with whom you’ll have children,” Tuft claims, “Imagine being able to find out you’re pregnant because stroller ads are popping up in your browser window.”

The iLurk also comes in a Plus edition, which occasionally pricks you for blood and stool samples to determine what food or vitamin products need to be purchased to manage deficiencies.

Said Tuft, “We imagine getting to a point where the consumer has so much faith in our analytics that they just buy whatever is advertised, knowing they’re about to need it.”