After a hectic day of veiled insults and blunders in hurricane ravaged Puerto Rico, Congressional Republicans rushed through legislation that would muffle or suppress President Trump during public events.

Much of America watched in horrific awe as the President bumbled through interviews and press conferences on his visit to San Juan, two weeks after the devastation hit. Before reminding viewers “watching on TV” that other presidents had done worse jobs at disaster management than he had, Trump informed the desperate citizens of the island territory, “I hate to tell you Puerto Rico, but you’ve thrown our budget[that he will soon be unable to balance] a little out of whack.”[Over the weekend, Trump was on his 64th golf trip since taking office 8 months ago at an estimated cost of $71 million tax payer dollars.] One person[Trump] laughed, looked around the room, and continued his pep talk, “If you look at a real catastrophe like Katrina[Maria is not real or a catastrophe], …sixteen versus literally thousands[less than two thousand] of people[dead]. You can be very proud [That only 16[actually 34 now] people have died so far].”

Trump spent over half of the time congratulating himself for the job he and his people had done with Puerto Rico. He also said “great” ten times and used “incredible” and “amazing” seven times each. One staffer noted, “We think he may have thought we meant ‘public relations’ when we told him we were going to deal with the PR disaster. But that’s really what got him off the golf course.”(PR is the colloquial abbreviation for the island).

With a smattering of applause and nervous laughter, Trump began asking people to repeat praise he saw on cable news while watching the events unfold from his golf cart in New Jersey. Reminder: Over the weekend, Trump was on his 64th golf trip since taking office 8 months ago at an estimated cost of $71 million tax payer dollars.

After his awkward press conference, Trump met with several homeless and starving hurricane victims and told them to “have a good time,[?]” before throwing toilet paper at them and leaving.

Trump then took to what remained of the streets and while tossing out flashlights, told residents on the 95% blacked out island, “Flashlights? You don’t need ‘em anymore,” as they hit several residents in the head as they tried to catch them in the darkness.

The new legislation would employ a harness to attach a prototype silencer to the President’s mouth and suppress his decibel levels by 82%. Additionally, it allows Trump only one hour of prescheduled tweeting time verbally dictated through a caregiver, and two hours of practice reading on a teleprompter.