LOS ANGELES, CA — Residents of Los Angeles’ Tehrangeles neighborhood were briefly confused Tuesday afternoon after two well-dressed men began moving from café to café asking to speak with “whoever’s in charge of Iran right now.”
Witnesses say the pair, identified as Jared Kushner and real estate investor Steve Witkoff, arrived carrying folders labeled “Peace Framework” and appeared increasingly optimistic each time someone made eye contact.
“They came into the bakery and asked if anyone there had authority to de-escalate regional tensions,” said one employee, who had just been arranging pistachio cookies. “I told them I could maybe authorize a second tray.”
The two reportedly began their outreach at a Persian grocery store, where Kushner was seen politely asking shoppers whether they were “more of a hardliner or open to confidence-building measures.” When one customer responded that he was just buying pomegranates, Witkoff reportedly nodded and said, “That’s the kind of pragmatism we need.”
The effort continued outside a hookah lounge, where the pair attempted to establish what they described as a “low-level exploratory dialogue” with three men debating soccer. Sources say the conversation stalled when Kushner asked if they preferred sanctions relief before or after a leadership transition.
At one point, the duo was seen approaching a man feeding a parking meter. “Excuse me,” Witkoff reportedly asked, “are you currently empowered to negotiate on behalf of anyone?” The man replied that he was only empowered to avoid a parking ticket.
Local residents say the two appeared undeterred. “They kept saying the situation was fluid and they were prepared to talk to whoever emerged as the leader,” said one observer.
At press time, Kushner and Witkoff were reportedly seated at an outdoor café, scanning the crowd and occasionally whispering, “That guy looks reasonable,” while preparing to introduce what aides described as a “tentative, extremely adaptable peace proposal.”
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