White House Officials Worry They Are Doing it All Wrong

After a very tumultuous week for the President, aides have attempted to undo some of his many miscalculations and off color comments by attempting to realign the reality star turned commander-in-chief. Starting with a Twitter war with NFL players and disparaging comments about the Mayor of San Juan, Trump spent the week attacking minorities from his luxury golf course in New Jersey.

In the ensuing days, Trump has found himself in a complex contorted state in which his foot was in his mouth while his head was up his ass. This marks the first time in history that a US president has been in both states at the same time.

“His head has been there quite some time, and [Chief of Staff John] Kelly was brought in to get that thing out, but then the foot really wedged itself in there this week,” one staffer commented on conditions of anonymity.

“One would think it would be easier to remove a smaller than average foot from such a huge asshole, but the logistics have proven to be a nightmare,” the staffer continued, “Now we aren’t sure if we start with the head or the foot. He’s really tied himself up.”

While the US is dealing with numerous wide scale crises, Trump’s hands remain free to tweet from his encumbered state. During this period, the President has attacked pro athletes for protesting police brutality and not being sure they want to hang out with him, and Puerto Rico for asking the federal government for food and water to keep its residents alive.

“As long as he has his Blackberry, he almost seems content hopping around the Oval Office on his one usable leg. He’s actually improved his gold handicap,” said another staffer. “And he doesn’t even need to eat. He’s kind of like his own human centipede.”