In the aftermath of the tragic mass shooting in Las Vegas that left 58 people dead, many lawmakers are now calling for stiffer gun control laws. House Speaker Paul Ryan(R-WI), who lives in an animal crate at NRA headquarters, spent several days awaiting instructions on how to manage the public outcry over the worst mass shooting in US history.

After four days of underground deliberation, NRA head Wayne LaPierre came back up from the depths of Hell “in such a rage that he nearly knocked over the ancient, bleeding urn where he keeps the souls of his employees,” a frightened staff member reports.  He bitterly announced that the NRA might allow consideration of a possible proposal to perhaps be open to maybe allowing banning of a novelty accessory used in the shooting called a slide or bump stock. Because they reduce accuracy and increase rate of fire, these add-ons have no useful purpose unless you plan to fire indiscriminately at a crowd.

The staff member continued, “LaPierre was furious that liberal outrage was taking away peoples right to fire indiscriminately into crowds. But the guy downstairs said a potential ban would be a good way to move our surplus stock since most gun owners consider them useless.”

Since the shooting, Republicans have tried to shift the narrative away from the 47 guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition owned by the shooter, to heroism and first responders. After failing to blame terrorists, poverty, gambling addiction, blackness, brownness, anxiety medication, hotel security, Filipino girlfriends, hammers, baby cameras, and terrorists again, it finally appears they will be able to make the bump stock stick.

By introducing legislation, the NRA hopes to silence their critics until the next mass shooting, after which they can say regulation did not make a difference and finally legalize their highly controversial “Human Exploder Mass Assault Blaster-15” rifle.

After being released back into Washington, Ryan said, “We need to consider possibly banning this device that anyone with a piece of wood and a spring can replicate in less than an hour. Hopefully this will put an end to all mass shootings since one mass shooter used it once.”

Ryan declined further comment and was packed back into his crate and returned to NRA headquarters.