INDIANAPOLIS, IN — The NCAA this week forcefully rejected accusations of SEC favoritism, calling the claims “baseless, irresponsible, and frankly jealous,” before immediately pivoting to praise Alabama Football as “America’s Chosen Son, heir to the gridiron throne, and the nation’s most beloved biological child.”
At a press conference that looked suspiciously like a Crimson Tide booster luncheon, NCAA spokesperson Carl Dinkins insisted any perception of bias stems purely from misunderstanding. “People forget: we apply the rules consistently,” he said, chewing thoughtfully on a roll stamped with the Alabama “A.” “It’s just that the rules tend to interpret themselves more generously when Alabama is involved. That’s not favoritism, that’s destiny.”
Dinkins dismissed suggestions that Alabama receives more lenient penalties, friendlier officiating, and playoff consideration normally reserved for deities. “Look, sometimes life just works out for special programs,” he explained. “Do the refs give them the benefit of the doubt? Occasionally. Do they get away with holding because everyone assumes they meant well? Perhaps. But that’s not bias. That’s America’s love language.”
When asked why Alabama often jumps multiple spots in rankings after beating an unranked team by a single field goal, Dinkins scoffed. “Pollsters are human beings with emotions. When they see that crimson jersey, something stirs deep inside them, like patriotism, nostalgia, or the scent of barbecue smoke on a fall Saturday. Are we supposed to punish them for feeling alive?”
Critics, however, point to mounting evidence. FOIA requests revealed that the College Football Playoff committee’s decision room contains a shrine made of houndstooth fabric, LED candles, and an animatronic bear that whispers “Roll Tide” every 12 minutes. Another leak showed that referees assigned to Alabama games receive a pregame packet titled ‘Healthy Ways to Assume Alabama Didn’t Mean It.’
Dinkins brushed off these reports, saying the real bias is against the NCAA. “People accuse us of loving the SEC too much,” he said. “But we love everyone equally, just some a little more equally than others.”
He paused, adjusted his crimson tie, and concluded, “Besides, can you really call it favoritism if the country already agrees Alabama deserves it? They’re America’s Chosen Son. We’re just honoring the prophecy.”
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