PALM BEACH, FL — Federal health officials raided a high-end delicatessen Tuesday after discovering what they called “an alarming amount of facial filler residue in their imported meats.” The investigation began after multiple customers complained their prosciutto had “a faint scent of self-tanner and botox.”
According to the FDA, the deli had allegedly been purchasing “lightly used epidermal material” from nearby cosmetic clinics catering to Mar-a-Lago residents and passing it off as artisanal cured ham. One inspector described the product as “somewhere between flesh-tone leather and a luxury handbag that’s been to court.”
“We’ve seen some creative substitutions in the food industry,” said lead investigator Carla Mendoza, “but this is the first time we’ve had to classify a meat as emotionally unstable.”
The deli’s owner defended the practice as “upcycling,” insisting that the imported Italian label was technically accurate because most of the donors had been to Rome at least once. “It’s sustainable,” he explained. “Nothing goes to waste, not even vanity.”
Local customers were divided. “It tasted expensive,” said one woman, “but I did feel a sudden urge to purge.” Others reported the prosciutto slices appeared to smile faintly when exposed to sunlight.
“Mar-a-Lago Face” has become the only known medical condition that can be caught just by standing too close to a gold-plated bannister. Symptoms include a permanent look of startled wealth, skin stretched to the tensile limits of deli meat, and an expression that suggests the patient has been told both good news and an ongoing federal investigation at the same time.
Dermatologists say it’s caused by prolonged exposure to tacky opulence and rogue aerosolized self-tanner molecules, though some researchers argue it may simply be what happens when the human face attempts to declare bankruptcy before the rest of the body.
In a statement, Mar-a-Lago denied any involvement, clarifying that “all members retain full ownership of their facial material,” though it conceded some “may have been misplaced or disposed of during brunch service.”
The FDA has seized over 400 pounds of confiscated “prosciutto,” now being stored in a secure facility under constant psychological observation.
Officials warn consumers to check labels carefully and avoid any products described as “sun-kissed,” “pre-indicted,” or “locally sourced from Palm Beach confidence.”
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