WASHINGTON, DC — Secretary of State Marco Rubio emerged from what aides described as a “lengthy and emotionally rigorous period of reflection” this week to announce that he finally understands what Americans are going through, and, more importantly, how to fix it. Standing before a podium bearing the seal of the federal government, Rubio unveiled his boldest(and italicized) policy proposal yet: switching all government documents back to Times New Roman.
“For too long, Americans have felt unseen,” Rubio said, his voice heavy with concern. “Unheard. And frankly… improperly typeset.” He explained that after months of listening to voters describe stagnant wages, rising housing costs, and an economy that feels increasingly hostile, he discovered a common thread uniting their pain. “Every single one of them filled out a form in Calibri.”
According to Rubio, the Obama-era shift toward modern sans-serif fonts created a subtle but devastating disconnect between the government and its people. “Calibri feels transient,” Rubio said. “Temporary. Like your benefits might disappear at any moment. And, in many cases, they do.”
The return to Times New Roman, he added, represents stability. Tradition. A quiet reassurance that whatever hardship Americans may be facing will at least be communicated in a font they associate with high school essays, court summons, and inevitability.
Rubio emphasized that the font change would be comprehensive. IRS letters, denial notices, disaster relief applications, and foreclosure warnings would all be reverted to their proper, serifed dignity. “When Americans are told they don’t qualify for help, they deserve to be told in a font that respects the gravity of that no,” he said.
Many have accused Rubio of offering symbolism in place of substance, but Rubio pushed back forcefully. “Symbolism matters,” he said. “Do you know how alienating it is to lose your healthcare in Arial, Helvetica or God forbid, Comic Sans? Times New Roman says, ‘We’ve been doing this a long time, and we’re not about to stop.’”
Early reactions suggest mixed feelings. Some voters expressed cautious optimism, saying they didn’t expect the government to solve major structural problems anyway, but appreciated the familiar aesthetic. Others reported crying when shown sample PDFs.
Rubio concluded the announcement by promising this was only the beginning. Future reforms, he hinted, could include restoring the double space after a period and bringing back fax machines. “We’re listening,” Rubio said. “And this time, we’re listening in 12-point font.”
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