WASHINGTON, DC — The White House announced Thursday that the economy is “on solid footing,” a conclusion reached after extensive review of charts, projections, and a catered lunch whose cost exceeded the average American’s weekly food budget.
Speaking from behind a podium that appeared to be made of imported marble, officials cited strong GDP growth, low unemployment, and “robust consumer confidence,” pausing briefly to ask an aide what eggs cost now and whether that was “before or after inflation.”
“We’re seeing real strength out there,” said senior economic adviser Kevin Hassett gesturing toward a graph that rose sharply upward. “Families are thriving. Markets are confident. The fundamentals are sound.” When asked why Americans overwhelmingly report financial stress, the adviser clarified that “sentiment is lagging” and suggested the public might simply be “bad at math.”
To demonstrate how well things are going, the administration pointed to a recent jobs report showing millions of Americans employed, many of them simultaneously. “Two or three jobs per household is a sign of resilience,” said another official, noting that exhaustion is often confused with hardship by people who lack perspective—or generational wealth.
Meanwhile, Americans watching the press conference from their kitchens nodded politely while comparing store-brand cereal prices and calculating whether dinner could be reclassified as a “snack.” Several reported briefly believing the economy might, in fact, be improving, before remembering their rent.
Administration sources confirmed that no one involved in crafting the announcement had physically entered a grocery store in years, citing security concerns and the emotional toll of seeing price tags without staff present to explain them. One official admitted the last time he purchased food himself was “before self-checkout betrayed us.”
“We understand people feel disconnected,” said a spokesperson, emphasizing the word feel. “But feelings aren’t data.” She added that if Americans stopped focusing so much on food, housing, childcare, healthcare, transportation, and debt, they’d realize how encouraging the numbers truly are.
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