In response to a reported alarming rise in nun on nun violence, Republican members of Congress have vowed to introduce legislation to curb their nasty “habit”. Although only recently revealed to be a major agenda item, GOP leaders claim nuns have been rapping knuckles with increased frequency and ferocity since mid-century.

Many opponents to the legislation believe there are greater scourges that are in more urgent need of attention. After the mass shooting in Las Vegas that left 58 concert goers dead, some Democratic lawmakers believe gun control laws are a more pressing issue. “I think the Republicans are simply hoping people will think the headlines are a typo and assume they are really doing something about gun violence,” Democratic Congressman Chris Murphy exclaimed.

In response, Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell choked back tears as he described the years his mother spent being bullied by nuns at her Catholic school. “Many of these nuns are completely out of control,” McConnell said, “We have let this go on for decades and not one piece of legislation has addressed the issue. We can’t continue to repeat the same mistakes and do nothing. If we want to keep our country safe we have to first focus on our schools and churches.”

Last year, the NRA contributed over $50 million to Republican candidates, included $30.3 million to President Trump.

When asked if this was a diversionary tactic to avoid discussing the tragedy in Las Vegas, McConnell pointed his finger at a pigeon and said, “Holy shit, what’s that?” and ran up the steps of the Capitol.