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Disney World Guests Alarmed by Childless 70-Year-Old Man Who Spent Entire Day Alone Waiting to Hug Animatronic Presidents

Staffers Avoiding White House Café After Hegseth Launches Extended Slam Poetry Series on Global Military Strategy

“No Kings” Rally Interrupted by Counter-Protesters Fiercely Defending Their Right to Oppose Rights

Trump Signs Emergency Executive Order Making It Significantly Harder to Beat Him at Golf

Police Charge Alan Ritchson Neighbor With Attempted Suicide

Confused Kushner and Witkoff Spotted in LA’s Tehrangeles Neighborhood Demanding Peace Talks with “Whoever’s In Charge”

Air Travel Slowed by Line of Federal Agents Waiting to Screen Passengers

Guy Who Asked “Is Duke Good?” 3 Days Ago Now Hosting Daily Strategy Meetings on NCAA Tournament Outlook

Senate Holds Hearings to Confirm That Mullin Is Unqualified Enough for Trump’s Cabinet

Trump Claims Iran Was Just Two Epstein Leaks Away from a Nuclear Weapon

Banksy Revealed as Decades-Long Exclusive Brand Partnership with Walmart Home Décor Line

Joe Rogan Reportedly Just One Elk Meat Protein Shake Away from Fully Formed Thought

Netanyahu and Putin Spend Pleasant Afternoon Moving U.S. Carrier Groups Around Map Like Risk Pieces

Lindsey Graham Advocates for Total Destruction of Iran Along With Any Gay Sex Videos Israel Might Have of Him

Defense Department Says Strait of Hormuz Mines Are Clearly Marked by Floating Debris and Fire

Hegseth Bans Photographers from Pentagon After They Published Unflattering Pictures of His Vagina

NBA Confirms Bam’s 83 Will Be Recorded with Asterisk Reading: ‘Against the Wizards’

Chugging Energy Drinks, Hegseth Warns Iran It’s About to Learn Why America Doesn’t Skip Leg Day

As Gas Prices Surge, Trump Says Americans Should Look Into Electric Golf Carts Like the One He’s Driving

Administration Confident Plan to Install Trump as Iran’s President Will Collapse Nation Within Months