DAVOS, SWITZERLAND — In a rare display of unity, the world’s leading economists have announced a bold new strategy to combat inflation, recession, and widespread existential dread: simply printing more optimism.
“Confidence is a currency,” declared IMF spokesperson Dr. Helen Dupré, speaking from a gold-plated podium. “And right now, we’re experiencing a severe shortage. So we’ve decided to inject the markets with unlimited good vibes.”
The plan, officially named Quantitative Cheer, will see central banks issuing press releases filled with motivational quotes, memes about resilience, and soothing graphs that show green lines going upward.
Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell praised the move, noting that “people tend to panic less when the charts are in pastel colors.”
Global markets responded immediately — the Dow rose 400 points after a leaked document revealed the phrase “Everything’s Fine :)” in Comic Sans. Economists hailed this as “the strongest emotional rebound since the Great Depression’s dance marathons.”
Critics, however, worry that optimism inflation could soon follow. “When everyone’s happy, no one’s grounded,” warned Nobel laureate Paul Krugman. “You can’t just wish GDP higher — unless you’re in crypto. Or the stock market. Or any developed capitalist society with paper and a printer.”
Meanwhile, citizens are encouraged to contribute by smiling at gas prices and thanking grocery stores for “the experience of scarcity.”
Asked if the plan would actually stabilize the economy, Dupré smiled confidently. “That’s the beauty of optimism,” she said. “It doesn’t have to work — it just has to trend.”
