OAKLAND, CA — In a press conference held entirely in spreadsheets, the Oakland Athletics’ analytics department proudly confirmed this week that they have successfully eliminated all remaining traces of joy from baseball.
“We’ve optimized the human spirit right out of the game,” said lead analyst Connor Thrame, adjusting his glasses without emotion. “Bat flips, smiles, and high-fives all had a negative correlation with WAR, so we removed them.”
The team’s new Emotion Suppression Model™ reportedly calculates the optimal level of apathy per inning. Players are now required to maintain an on-base percentage above .330 and a serotonin level below 12%.
“Numbers don’t lie,” said manager Mark Kotsay, consulting an iPad instead of his players. “Our simulations show that happiness was a 0.7% drag on slugging percentage. The less they feel, the more they achieve. That’s baseball, baby.”
Fans have noticed the change. “It’s weird,” said season-ticket holder Denise Carter. “The players never look up from their tablets. I think one of them smiled last week, but then he got optioned to Triple-A.”
Merchandise sales for the new slogan — ‘In Math We Trust’ — have reportedly tripled.
When asked whether the team still values fun, Thrame nodded solemnly. “We ran the regression model on ‘fun.’ The results were inconclusive but deeply disappointing.”
He then stared at the floor for 45 seconds — a metric-record silence.
