Breaking News:
Friday, Apr 19, 2024
YELLOWSTONE, WY — Embattled Department of Homeland Security head Kirstjen Nielsen was spared the red leash and released into Yellowstone National Park today. After a tumultuous two years as the department head, White House officials flew her inside her travel crate, to the Wyoming sanctuary where officials say there is a slight chance she will […]
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SOUTH BEND, IN — Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg continues to raise the stakes in one of the most crowded candidate fields in recent history. The barely legal Mayor of South Bend has vowed to put a soda machine in every cafeteria and extend midday recess breaks by up to 15 minutes if elected. While many […]
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SEATTLE, WA — After decades in obscurity, measles, mumps, & rubella have reunited and returned to the smashing success they enjoyed in the early half of the 20th century. Jointly known as MMR, their unexpected reunion tour has become a viral sensation, spreading across the globe at record speed. Once known for having when they […]
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Education Secretary Betsy Devos has gone on the offensive after being criticized for attempting to defund the Special Olympics and other childhood education programs earlier this week. Devos cited a ‘disturbing trend’ where media outlets appear very one-sided when reporting about the pros and cons of educating children. “You never read anything […]
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Days after the much anticipated completion of the Mueller report, newly appointed Attorney General Bill Barr has released a summary of the investigation’s conclusions in the form of a hastily compiled one-page note. Representatives for the Justice Department have assured the public that every letter on the note was cut directly from […]
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LOS ANGELES, CA — In his latest film, legendary actor and director Clint Eastwood takes on subject matter he has only examined three times before in his three most recent films. A stark contrast from films made many years ago by different directors, Eastwood’s latest masterwork takes an unflinching look at the life of a […]
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PARIS, FRANCE — As clashes between protestors and French police continue, some are calling to question the suppression tactics being employed as images surface of protestors being beaten by stale baguette and dusted by weaponized pepper mills. During the recent “yellow vest” protests, multiple outlets report the use of extremely brutal tactics, by French standards, […]
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the rumored dismissal of one of the longest tenured and most stable members of the Trump administration draws near, many in the White House wonder what impact John Kelly’s departure will have on the presidency and who will fill his shoes. As an ominous warning to any future Chiefs of Staff […]
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Nearly two years have past since Republican power couple Kellyanne and George Conway began their mutually agreed upon sex strike and sources say there are no signs of an end in sight. Married in 2001, the couple has been at odds with one another since George, a prominent GOP lawyer, first vocalized […]
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HOUSTON, TX — As honors and memorials continue to pour in following the death of the 41st president of the United States, many insiders claim George H.W. Bush’s proudest moment came when he was certain that his son, George W. Bush, would no longer be remembered as the worst president in US history. Though it […]
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BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA — As the G20 Summit draws to a close, the closing dance often generates the most excitement among the leaders of the world’s twenty most powerful nations. With no scheduled meetings, dignitaries are free to mingle and chat without an agenda or time crunch while snacking on an international cultural buffet and […]
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LORDSTOWN, OH — As automobile factory closures pile up in middle America, some Trump supporters are questioning the president’s claim on the campaign trail that, “If I’m elected, you won’t lose one plant, you’ll have plants coming into this country, you’re going to have jobs again, you won’t lose one plant, I promise you that.” […]
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SAN YSIDRO, CA — Despite his father’s objections, insiders report Barron Trump has continued his secret meetings with a Honduran asylum seeker at the US/Mexico border. First detailed in a bombshell New York Times story, Barron spent the last two months secretly escaping the White House and traveling to the San Ysidro border crossing to […]
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Tragedy struck last night shortly before the unveiling on Melania Trump’s White House Christmas decoration extravaganza, when an East Wing intern drowned in a holiday themed river of blood. Only minutes before initiating the Slovakian midnight winter sacrament, the intern was swept away by a festive red wave of animal parts. Often renowned for her […]
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CAMARILLO, CA — Romaine farmers throughout the country are feeling the pinch after all shipments of their leafy produce were halted when 32 people fell ill from E.coli poisoning. The FDA immediately issued an alert and recalled all possibly contaminated romaine lettuce after people from 11 different states reported symptoms including nausea and diarrhea. Desperate to maintain […]
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LOS ANGELES, CA — Over the holidays it came to his friends attention that Barry Palmer was having another psychotic break. Multiple social media posts outlining the planned Democratic takeover of the government by aging hippies set off alarms among those who still subscribed to his news feed. One of those most effected by Barry’s […]
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the past weeks, President Trump has become increasingly concerned with the ongoing Mueller investigation, often questioning the loyalty of even his closest advisors. Numerous reports have surfaced alleging the president has been speaking with top aides about the scope of his presidential pardon powers. Insiders claim the president became “obsessed” when […]
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LOS ANGELES, CA — After recently being outed for traveling inside a large suitcase to avoid paparazzi, Taylor Swift has become more forthcoming about her strange travel habit. On several recent flights, the megastar has unzipped herself from her travel sack and continued her trips from the luggage bin. As a result, an increasing number […]
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AUSTIN, TX — After a historic mid-term election that saw more votes cast than any other in American history, few surprises shaped the day. Of the victors, a disheveled Ted Cruz(R-TX) seemed the most relieved by his win in deep red Texas. Cruz, once considered a lock for re-election only a few months ago, had […]
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